The Laughing Heart
2008-05-04
The Laughing Heart
Your life is your life
Don't let it be clubbed into dank submission
Be on the watch
THere are ways out
There is light somewhere
It may not be much light but it beats the darkness
Be on the watch
The Gods will offer you chances
Know them
Take them
You can't beat death
But you can beat death in life
Sometime the more often you learn to do it the more light there will be
Your life is your life
Know it wile you have it
You are marvelous
The Gods wait to delight in you
---Anonymous
Public Speaking
2008-04-16
So I am in my last year of college and just found out I have aquired a tremendous fear of speaking in front of people. This is something that is definitely new to me since it always bothered me in the past but I could still just get up there and do it and be fine. However now, I physically cannot bring myself to do it and I don't know what's wrong with me. When I am about to get up to give a speech in front of a classroom I start to feel weak, my hands shake, I feel dizzy and I seriously cannont think or even speak because my voice is shaky and weird. I could handle speaking when I was just mentally not prepared but now that I am having physical symptoms I dont know what to do. I have tried everything from trying to think differently, picture the audience naked and all those other things but no luck. I have to do a speech for a big part of my grade and dont know what I am going to do. If anyone has any tips or good medication I should be seeking please let me know because I feel like I am the only one going through this since all my classmates seem fine being able to go up and talk in front of everyone.Need to get it out
2008-01-29
I am feeling mushy so this blog might reflect that..just a little. Neways I have been thinking a lot about love lately and what it means to love and be loved. I am not talking just boyfriend girlfriend love but the love that fills all of your relationships and the kind you always hope to get back in return. Now obviously the love you have with a "lover" is going to be a lot different and stronger than the love you may have in a friendship but I realize more and more how important it is to have special people in your life who you can turn to no matter what, all the material stuff and all the pressure to achieve and succeed is just a small detail in the bigger picture of what life is about and that is the relationships you make and the people that come in and out of your life along the way. As I am about to graduate college I look back on the last 4 (well ok more like 5) years and realize how life changing they have been and how incredibly fast they went by. It feels like just yesterday I was crying and hugging my mom in the parking lot as she dropped me off at the dorms and now I am about to finish school and actually try to find a career and a life of my own. The memories I have from college are amazing and there are so many good times I can look back on that I am just sad they went by so fast. I have met some great people and ones that I wish I still kept in better touch with but life takes us all in different ways and sometimes its hard to do that but just knowing we both share memories from such a special time in our life is something that will always bond us together. The few friends I do still keep in touch with are ones I know will be in my life for years and years to come. I look back at the relationships I have been through and how I found and lost my first love, how I embarked on my first real committment to another person, how I broke someones heart and had mine broke as well. I have been on an emotional rollercoaster about who I am, what I want in life and where I will be in the future. Sometimes I fear being alone, sometimes I fear being tied down...it changes day to day and I am okay with that because I have a feeling things will all fall into place in the end. I have struggled with some issues from my past, battled with trying to experience college while still not taking it over the edge...which at times I know I have. I realize it is time to grow up and the life I have lived the last 5 years is one I can no longer continue to have because it is not the real world and the more I surround myself in that type of lifestyle the more I will never be able to get out of it. The partying, the late nights, the carefree days they are all something I am trying to cope with giving up and I don't mean that once I graduate I can never go out or enjoy life again but I do need to start taking things more seriously and if I want to do this the party life definitely needs to be put on the back burner. In college it feels like the only way to meet men and hang out with them is to be in this environment, I fear that once I give it up I will lose all those wild nights that once filled my life with happiness and not be able to find another fun guy I can hang out with again. I know this is not true but at the same time here I find myself leaving college and out of my long term relationship to once again start to feel like I want to find someone but don't know where to start because on the other hand I would love to travel or even start a career if the opportunity presented itself. I find myself going back and forth about what I want all the time and I am hoping I will find a happy medium soon. One thing I am confident in saying is that I know what I want in my next relationship and I know how much I have to offer...I am not willing to sacrafice any of this just to have someone around because I did that in high school and some of college and it's just a waste of time for both people. I am sick of guys thinking sex and going to the bars constitutes a relationship but yet I find myself falling into this trap quickly because it is something I did enjoy in college and find myself having a hard time giving it up but yet when the guy does come along that wants something more I am usually not interested. Man this is a long blog and all over the map but I guess I have just been thinking about things lately and to sum it all up I am just confused with life but I must say I am happy right now I live in a nice place, have good people surrounding me and lots of opportunitites readily available it is just up to me to make them happen and that is where I fall short...I am afraid to leave the life I have and therefore dodging anything that comes my way which might show the least bit of threat in changing everything. I need to get rid of this mindset quickly because it is just hindering me and I can't hang on to college forever, my friends are moving on and I am going to be one of the last ones to graduate so it is time to grow up and once I get over my fear to move on I know many other doors are going to open in my future...man growing up is hard.Abortion
2007-11-04
So I am all for freedom of speech and allowing people to voice there own opinions because that is what makes America the great country that it is however I do believe this right can be taken too far and I saw this done the other day. I attend a state univsity that has these things called "freedom steps" at the front of the campus. This is where most radicals go and voice there opinion on things such as the president and saving the environment. Well the other day is halloween and I see this doctor run up with a blood ass gown on and a dirts syringe. He is screaming pro-choice as he stagers around harrassing people. I try not to think too much about it and really couldn't deteremine whether he was pro-choice or mocking people that are. Once I reach the freedom steps I see people holding huge posters that are more like cubes with a couple different sides to them. The images on these posters were absolutely horrific. One was the bloody head of a child that was definitely not taken out through an abortion unless it was an illegal one because this child was fully developed but of course these ignorant people probably didn't know that a women cannot recieve an abortion after a certain amount of time. THe other pictures were bodies of children, dismembered and strewn across a floor. WTF?? I was soo mad I could hardly breath. This man was trying to push pamplets in my face while I had to watch these people hold up these poster with such a smitten look on there face. I can not imagine what it would feel like to walk through campus, having had an abortion, and see these posters. The nuts doing this obviously have no idea about the abortion process and just need to force there own stupidty on others based on some ramblings they probably heard from a religious cult. Don't get me wrong, if you are pro-life and want to impact people then go right ahead but do it in a tasteful and respectful way. Putting up graphic disgusting pictures you found from probably googling still borns or some other gross website is just wrong. I wish the campus would have stepped in because people were really upset about it and it was creating a lot of tension and anger. I am pro-choice and although I probably would not be able to get an abortion myself I do believe it is up to the women and her spouse or whomeever to make the decision based on their OWN body and their OWN life. If you dont like abortion thats great, dont get one but atleast realize people dont have to have your opinion and as much as it is your right to stand out on the steps with some stupid poster it is there right to make a choice about having or not having a child. wooo ok thats all, just needed to vent.Cheating
2007-08-17
I don't understand why people act the way they do. Yesterday some series of events took place that makes me question not only people I thought I could trust but my own actions as well. A friend I work with and I kissed a few nights ago at a bar. I really thought a lot of this guy and the way he treated women with just the upmost respect was something I am not used to seeing. We had a harmless few days of flirting and yesterday he has a BBQ and everyone from work is invited. After one two many drinks him and I proceed to kiss again...everyone is having a great time and besides the shots of tequila starting to go straight to my brain I was having a blast. Fast forward a few hours into the day and I find this guy (lets call him bob) hooking up with his and my best friend's girlfriend. Me and bob share a mutual close friend from work who I consider to be one of my closest guy friends and is definitely bob's best friend. I call by friend and in some drunken stupor only manage to get out his girlfriends name. My friend knew something was wrong, drove over and had bob trying to apologize right when my friend walked into the apartment. Apology...dead give away. My friend punched bob and pretty much lost his mind for the next 10 minutes running around the house and punching holes in anything in his way, it was like something out of a movie. At this point he leaves and bob runs downstairs and lies on the pavement in the street crying. I follow. WHY?????? THis guy not only just broke his best friends heart but totally just screwed me over as well, we weren't dating but any smart guy should know not to hook up with 2 different girls in the matter of a few hours at the same damn party. stupid. I freak out because one, i am drunk and two the gravity of the situation has yet to hit me and I am just reacting to how upset this guy is who I was starting to have feelings for. I block his head from hitting the pavement several times and even in my state of mind just can not believe how absolutely plastered this guy is....it was pretty scary. I call my friend and he is clearly not happy at me but mostly because I was being a drunken idiot and could not talk to him and understand what he was going through when he needed me too. Everyone left the party and I stayed with bob....this is the part that really bothers me about myself. I wasn't trying to hook up or anything because all bob could do was lay on his face and cry but I just felt so damn bad for the dude that I didn't want to leave him alone. I passed out a little bit later and woke up around 5 am, sober, and disgusted at myself for trying to protect some guy that just screwed over me and my best guy friend. I drove home and called my friend who talked but really wasn't that happy with me and more than anything else just upset that the love of his life just screwed his best friend. I didn't have much to say mostly cause I don't remember much of what happened other than that when he needed me I wasn't there and I stayed with the asshold instead. I am mad at myself, bob and my friends slutty ass girlfriend. So many people at work were dragged into this situation and it ruined all of our nights. Bob is so depressed I can't even look at him at work its so damn pathetic and my guy friend is never going back in he's just going to quit. I see a glimpse of something amazing in a guy and then BAM he turns out to be not only just another guy but capable of doing things that I didn't think any man would do to his best friend no matter how drunk you are. I know this will all blow over at work in a month but it still just sucks and I hate that I couldn't be a better friend to someone who really means a lot to me. People really suck sometimes and I am beginning to think more and more that alcohol is the devils drink and it is so scary how it has such a power to change people.
ghosts from the past
2007-06-03
So I get these phone calls the other night around 130am which at the time I am dead asleep. The ex is really wanting to get ahold of me for some reason and it's been 2months with no words,emails or anything between us. Last time he called me out of the blue like this his dad died, so I picked up. I felt guilty immediately because I told myself after what he did to me I would never talk to him again but, as in many other aspects of my life, self control did not kick in at the moment. He apologized for the last time we talked which was when a ton of bad stuff went down and he continued to go on about what an amazing person I am and how no matter where he goes I'll always be in his heart and so on and so forth. I didn't really know what to say, it was weird to hear his voice. He has done this to me before, fighting, then the calls, then telling me all this cool stuff and then poof we're hanging out again. I was strong though, I told him I didn't want to see him and he was ok with this but then he though we could try and be friends. psh ya right. I told him if he can still get a hold of me in a year it will have been enough time that I could talk to him and be ok and not still having to deal with all this emotions that are still real for me at times when it comes to us. He's moving back home when he gets out of the navy, which is soon. Chances are if I don't see him before he leaves, I'll probably never see him again. He wouldn't come back to where I live and I am moving after school anyways. I guess this is all part of letting go. I don't feel so much anger and hate toward him anymore, I thought it was nice of him to apologize and I am starting to forgive myself for being so weak at times when it came to our relationship because I am young, and definitely new to this whole love thing so I feel like it can only get better from here.
On a different note I met a guy, actually I work with him which is bad but what are you gonna do. He is so respectful and nice, total opposite of the ex in every way exept for the fact that they share the same astrological sign...I hope this is not a bad thing. (note to self-do research on gemini) lol But anyways we'll see what happens, definitely taking everything slow...he already commented that I hold back and have a hard time opening up...this is true and if he does like me and really wants to get to know me, he'll wait.
Death
2007-05-07
So a friend of mine found his little sister dead in her bed this morning. She was 19 and a freshman in college. She went out the night before and my friend put her to bed because she had too much to drink and then went to wake her up this morning to find her dead. I can't even begin to imagine what he is going through having to see his sister dead after just a night of going out with her friends. I never met the girl that died but I can't get the story out of my head. She was so young and had her whole life ahead of her and in the blink of an eye everything is taken away forever. I have a really hard time dealing with death and I find myself thinking about it way more than I want to. The meaning of life and what happens when you die is overwhelming to me. I just hope their family is able to pull through this and maybe her story can save someones life because the fun party scene most college students are involved in can be a really scary thing. I feel like when I first started college and even sometimes now I have this idea that nothing can ever happen to me and that I am invinsible. THis is such a scary mindset because truth is that life is such a precious thing and shouldn't be taken for granted because you really never know what is going to happen tomorrow. rip jennyWhere I am at right now
2007-05-06
I have turned into a needy person...when did this happen?!?! I never felt the need to have a man in my life or a boyfriend, I enjoyed being single and free...sex on the side was just a bonus but relationship? psh no way. Then I got a boyfriend, broke up with boyfriend and find myself being desperate for any sort of male interaction right now. I have lowered my standards just to fill some void and I don't even know where it came from! However the good news is I am starting to not miss/think about John (the ex) so much. I still look at his page on myspace probably more than I should and bust out the relationship photos from time to time (usually after a couple glasses of wine) but other than that things are getting easier. Yesterday I went shopping and wanted to go to these 2 shops I used to buy clothes from all the time by me and John's old apartment. This was a bad idea. We used to live far far out so I never go by that area anymore or pass through it for any reason, I actually haven't been back since I moved out. So anyways not thinking about any of this I start to drive over there, pass the street we used to live down and had a total breakdown. Seeing that old place and all the restaurants/bars etc we used to go to hit me so hard I seriously lost it. I felt so horrible for backtracking and I am going almost a month now without any contact with him and things were getting better and better until I had to do that to myself. Needless to say I turned around and drove home but still can't stop thinking about how empty and alone I felt being there. So once again I find myself trying to keep my head up and be strong because like the mom always said...this too shall pass and the funny thing is I know how true this statement is but it's really hard to believe it when ur knee deep in shit from the past.
On a better note I am moving by the beach in a month and my mom is coming out for a week!!! I finished week one with my personal trainer and I am really enjoying it. I feel better about myself, I only drank one night out of the week and I have so much energy it's crazy. I still have a ways to go before I am happy about how I look and honestly I've put on a good 6lbs since I broke up with John not too long ago, it's probably the fastest I've ever gained weight. It doesnt sound like that much but I am 5'1'' so on me, it is. I was starting to have to do the pant stretch lunges all over the house just so I could breath in my old clothes! This is not a good feeling. So anyways I am pretty focused on my health right now and even though I am doing this for me, seeing the ex a few months down the road when I am looking damn good will definitely be an added bonus :)
Dumpers Remorse
2007-04-25
Ok, I bought this book...."It's called a breakup because it's broken" (yes it got to that point!) LOL and what I am suffering from would be considered "dumpers remorse" I moved out, I broke the relationship off and for some reason I cannot get over this thing! Of course we were on and off after I moved out but as of a few weeks ago an extremely bad night happened (this would require another blog) and now we officially are over and to the extent of, unless I run into him at some bar, we will never see eachother again. This is a hard pill to swallow. Truth is I dont want to get back together and when we were kinda dating after I moved out everytime I was with him I was thinking of all the other cool things I could be doing. This guy is really not a good person, he treated me like shit for 90% of our relationship and slept around. In the end though I knew I could do whatever I wanted and he would always come back....this time I could treat him like shit and know he would always be the one to call and patch things up in the morning. This is no longer the case and I know there will be no more emails or voicemails wanting to "talk." He's been sleeping with a new girl, she's all over his damn myspace and she leaves comments on his friend's pages too!!! This bothers me WAY more than it should, I almost feel betrayed...I thought his friends liked me and now all of the sudden they just welcome this new chick in like she hadn't just slept with him the first night they met and wasn't a total slut. I think about him way more now than I ever did before...even when we were together...this is sad. I wonder what he's doing and if he's with "her" I just wish these feelings would go away and I could drive by where he lives and not get all radar looking for his car or go to places we used to go together and not think about him. I know once I find another guy that I like and am dating I will think less and less of the exboyfriend but I just wish this could happen now because I don't want to have to feel the need to find another guy right away just to get over the last one. I have been seeing some other people and really it is just not there for me. I hang out with them and just kinda feel like I am going through the motions...I can't even bring myself to have rebound sex! wtf...everyone deserves that and when it comes down to it I run away. ON a positive note I am really trying to do some productive and good things for myself...such as focusing on school and starting up with a personal trainer and most importantly not turning into a drunk lush everytime I feel down or upset. Alcohol is my escape and I hate it, I dont want to drink just because I cant deal with my own emotions. I need to face them, feel them and move on....this is just easier said than done. Okay well just wanted to get that off my chest because I found a comment on a friends page from "her" and felt that blogging might be a better way to wind down then, say pour a drink of heaven forbid pick up the phone and call him...that would be the last of my self pride going down the drain as we know it.Ex's
2007-02-07
Break ups suck. There is no way around it. See here is my problem, I don't think it's too hard to stay friends after a break up. Here is the catch though, the only way this works is if the break up is mutual. If one person was burned by the other though a friendship is just really out of the question. Feelings are still lingering along with the bitter after taste of being dumped and continuing to talk and bring them to the surface just makes things worse. On the other hand maybe asking to be friends is a selfish move. Maybe it is just so the person asking can feel better about what they're doing and make the transition a little easier.
I am really not sure the answer to this or what is the "right" thing to do but judging from my situation I think it can either be all or nothing....the gray area just isn't going to work. I truely love my ex and wish him the best in life. When I broke up with him and asked to be friends I looked at it as just because we didn't work out doesn't mean we have to totally cut off contact with eachother, I mean not to long ago this man was my best friend and a huge part of my life...it'd be nice to know we are still here in the wings for eachother if the other person ever needs anything or just wants to talk.
I have realized after many unneccesary nights of fighting when we were supposed to be just "friends" that I can no longer get what I hoped for at the beginning of our break up. I recieved a text last night calling me a "Fake-ass retard" WTF? I've been with this man for over a year and the best he can do is this? I don't need a so called friend like this in my life and I think it's going to take more in me to completely cut him out of my life than it did to break up with him but it's what I need to do. I am very aware that in time this will seem like a distant memory and I'll wonder what I was ever thinking holding on to such a disfuntional relationship but it's hard to see this future when you're so caught up with the past and "what might have been."
One thing is for sure, next time I invest my heart into a relationship it is going to be with a guy that I know will not step all over it and take me for granted. It's weird but this relationship has given me much more confidence than I had going into it that I can walk away from it and be okay being alone because I am not going to settle for second best just because I am lonely. I'll find that guy one day that will sweep me off my feet but for right now I am going to focus on me and just be happy with myself and where my life is going because I don't need a man to define that.
Okay that's enough break up talk, I think I need more sleep.
My first Blog
2007-02-05
Okay so I always hear about this whole "blogging" craze but never really took the time to try it out myself. So here I am sitting on my butt wondering what I am supposed to be "blogging" about to the whole internet world. Maybe for my first one I should just pick a topic and go off on it so that maybe one person can randomly read this and think I am crazy or I can just feel satisfied that I made a contribution to shoutpost.com. Either way, here it goes
So I am about to finish up college...well okay when I say about to finish up I mean in another year but the wording makes me feel better about going into my fifth year. Well after much soul searching that you are supposed to do in college, here I am four years later not feeling that confident about the fact that I haven't picked out the "job of my dreams" yet and the only reason I have even declared a major is because I looked through the catalog and randomly picked one on a whim....how motivating. I really like how when you go into college people are like don't worry about your major, just choose something your junior or senior year you you will be fine. Um this is not the case. What they fail to mention is that if you wait to choose a major and switch your major you end up having to take a lot more classes to compensate for the requirements not fulfilled because either a) you weren't aware of the classes you were supposed to be taking due to the fact that you had no major or b) all the classes you have taken for your major are out the window because you decided to switch....I mean come on I am a women why should I have to be punished for changing my mind, it's what I am good at!!!! The university however is not too worried about letting people know this.....they should just say we will do whatever it takes to keep you in as long as possible and suck every dollar out of you that we can.
So say I do graduate college, then what? Am I going to be guarenteed a job? Will I be making enough money to pay for not only the loans I had to take out to put myself through college but also a roof over my head since my parents are not longer going to support my 25 year old ass? The answer to these questions are no. Unless you are majoring in something extremely specific...like being a nurse or you choose to spend another arm and a leg for grad school chances are you will be doing nothing. Ok I know I am sounding really negative right now and truth is I am far from being a negative person but I am just stating the truth here. I am not saying that a college degree with worthless because it definitely is a good investment for the furture, I am just saying for the amount of time and money you spend getting it doesn't mean you are guarenteed anything more than a piece of paper.
So it's actually probably a good thing I didn't graduate in exactly four years or less. On the bright side I get to still work as a part time waitress and not feel THAT stupid telling people what I do, I can party at the bars whenever I want and people don't think I am a complete drunk because I can just say "I am in college" and it makes my actions ok and I get help from the parents while I am "working so hard" to get my degree.
Life is good :)
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