Need to get it out
2008-01-29
I am feeling mushy so this blog might reflect that..just a little. Neways I have been thinking a lot about love lately and what it means to love and be loved. I am not talking just boyfriend girlfriend love but the love that fills all of your relationships and the kind you always hope to get back in return. Now obviously the love you have with a "lover" is going to be a lot different and stronger than the love you may have in a friendship but I realize more and more how important it is to have special people in your life who you can turn to no matter what, all the material stuff and all the pressure to achieve and succeed is just a small detail in the bigger picture of what life is about and that is the relationships you make and the people that come in and out of your life along the way. As I am about to graduate college I look back on the last 4 (well ok more like 5) years and realize how life changing they have been and how incredibly fast they went by. It feels like just yesterday I was crying and hugging my mom in the parking lot as she dropped me off at the dorms and now I am about to finish school and actually try to find a career and a life of my own. The memories I have from college are amazing and there are so many good times I can look back on that I am just sad they went by so fast. I have met some great people and ones that I wish I still kept in better touch with but life takes us all in different ways and sometimes its hard to do that but just knowing we both share memories from such a special time in our life is something that will always bond us together. The few friends I do still keep in touch with are ones I know will be in my life for years and years to come. I look back at the relationships I have been through and how I found and lost my first love, how I embarked on my first real committment to another person, how I broke someones heart and had mine broke as well. I have been on an emotional rollercoaster about who I am, what I want in life and where I will be in the future. Sometimes I fear being alone, sometimes I fear being tied down...it changes day to day and I am okay with that because I have a feeling things will all fall into place in the end. I have struggled with some issues from my past, battled with trying to experience college while still not taking it over the edge...which at times I know I have. I realize it is time to grow up and the life I have lived the last 5 years is one I can no longer continue to have because it is not the real world and the more I surround myself in that type of lifestyle the more I will never be able to get out of it. The partying, the late nights, the carefree days they are all something I am trying to cope with giving up and I don't mean that once I graduate I can never go out or enjoy life again but I do need to start taking things more seriously and if I want to do this the party life definitely needs to be put on the back burner. In college it feels like the only way to meet men and hang out with them is to be in this environment, I fear that once I give it up I will lose all those wild nights that once filled my life with happiness and not be able to find another fun guy I can hang out with again. I know this is not true but at the same time here I find myself leaving college and out of my long term relationship to once again start to feel like I want to find someone but don't know where to start because on the other hand I would love to travel or even start a career if the opportunity presented itself. I find myself going back and forth about what I want all the time and I am hoping I will find a happy medium soon. One thing I am confident in saying is that I know what I want in my next relationship and I know how much I have to offer...I am not willing to sacrafice any of this just to have someone around because I did that in high school and some of college and it's just a waste of time for both people. I am sick of guys thinking sex and going to the bars constitutes a relationship but yet I find myself falling into this trap quickly because it is something I did enjoy in college and find myself having a hard time giving it up but yet when the guy does come along that wants something more I am usually not interested. Man this is a long blog and all over the map but I guess I have just been thinking about things lately and to sum it all up I am just confused with life but I must say I am happy right now I live in a nice place, have good people surrounding me and lots of opportunitites readily available it is just up to me to make them happen and that is where I fall short...I am afraid to leave the life I have and therefore dodging anything that comes my way which might show the least bit of threat in changing everything. I need to get rid of this mindset quickly because it is just hindering me and I can't hang on to college forever, my friends are moving on and I am going to be one of the last ones to graduate so it is time to grow up and once I get over my fear to move on I know many other doors are going to open in my future...man growing up is hard.Created with ShoutPost
