Where I am at right now
2007-05-06
I have turned into a needy person...when did this happen?!?! I never felt the need to have a man in my life or a boyfriend, I enjoyed being single and free...sex on the side was just a bonus but relationship? psh no way. Then I got a boyfriend, broke up with boyfriend and find myself being desperate for any sort of male interaction right now. I have lowered my standards just to fill some void and I don't even know where it came from! However the good news is I am starting to not miss/think about John (the ex) so much. I still look at his page on myspace probably more than I should and bust out the relationship photos from time to time (usually after a couple glasses of wine) but other than that things are getting easier. Yesterday I went shopping and wanted to go to these 2 shops I used to buy clothes from all the time by me and John's old apartment. This was a bad idea. We used to live far far out so I never go by that area anymore or pass through it for any reason, I actually haven't been back since I moved out. So anyways not thinking about any of this I start to drive over there, pass the street we used to live down and had a total breakdown. Seeing that old place and all the restaurants/bars etc we used to go to hit me so hard I seriously lost it. I felt so horrible for backtracking and I am going almost a month now without any contact with him and things were getting better and better until I had to do that to myself. Needless to say I turned around and drove home but still can't stop thinking about how empty and alone I felt being there. So once again I find myself trying to keep my head up and be strong because like the mom always said...this too shall pass and the funny thing is I know how true this statement is but it's really hard to believe it when ur knee deep in shit from the past.
On a better note I am moving by the beach in a month and my mom is coming out for a week!!! I finished week one with my personal trainer and I am really enjoying it. I feel better about myself, I only drank one night out of the week and I have so much energy it's crazy. I still have a ways to go before I am happy about how I look and honestly I've put on a good 6lbs since I broke up with John not too long ago, it's probably the fastest I've ever gained weight. It doesnt sound like that much but I am 5'1'' so on me, it is. I was starting to have to do the pant stretch lunges all over the house just so I could breath in my old clothes! This is not a good feeling. So anyways I am pretty focused on my health right now and even though I am doing this for me, seeing the ex a few months down the road when I am looking damn good will definitely be an added bonus :)
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